*Quick disclaimer: This post is all over the place, mainly because I’m trying to explain the way my mind is working currently throughout it, which is no easy task. My reason for writing this post is for those of you who may feel similarly sometimes and need someone to relate to so that you feel a bit more sane in the long-run. Maybe once these feelings are gone for good, I’ll be able to write more of an advice post, with tips on how to get yourself out of the rut you think you’re in and get back to living life to the fullest! But for now, I’m just sharing my thoughts, in hopes that it will help some of you see that you’re not alone in the battles of the mind 🙂*
This past spring, I cut 5 inches off of my hair. It has since grown back, but at the time it was the change I needed to get myself out of a small rut I felt stuck in. Today, I debated making the same move, in hopes that a haircut would once again uplift me. But! I don’t think chopping six inches off my hair will be the solution this time, as the rut is wider and deeper than it was in the spring. Since I didn’t cut my hair, I decided to do the next therapeutic thing and write a blog post! Ta-da, this monster of a post has been born! Here we go:
For the past few weeks I’ve had this small, nagging feeling that comes up every once-in-a-while, but I can never place where it’s coming from and what it means. It’s frustrating and always leaves me unsettled because it is similar to the feeling you get when you know you’ve forgotten something but don’t know what it is you forgot. When I tried to describe it to people, I would say that “it feels like I’m losing something or a part of myself, but I don’t know what. And I feel like even if I did know what it was, I wouldn’t be able to get it back even if I tried to.” The most frustrating part about it was that the feeling was so unwarranted, but stuck around putting a damper on things even though I’e been in a happyhappy mood all month!
Today the feeling came back with a bit more strength. In my head, I kept seeing this screaming girl who had her arms outstretched towards something just out-of-frame. It was like she wanted whatever it was so bad, but something unknown was holding her back from reaching it and getting what she wanted. And that’s exactly how I feel whenever the nagging feeling rolls around: like I’m desperately seeking something I can’t reach because a) I don’t know what the something is, b) I don’t know how to reach the something, and c) I have no idea what’s holding me back from reaching the said something.
So here we are back to square one… except I think I know where the feeling is coming from after having the “screaming girl” vision.
It’s coming from a place of restlessness, a place of not being in control, and a place of feeling stuck. This three-fold problem developed one nagging feeling that I’ve been having on-and-off for the past few weeks. Let’s begin the dissection:
Being able to travel for the majority of this past summer was the oh my gosh, the biggest blessing, but definitely stirred some restlessness in me. Like I said in my real talk: travelling, school stresses, and *insert your crush’s name here* post, I constantly have this desire to be somewhere I’m not. Now that school has started, and I don’t have as much freedom to wander around the US or take small road trips every weekend, the restlessness I felt immediately after my summer travels were over is back. I feel as if there is something greater waiting for me somewhere other than my tiny city and that other places hold the key to my success.
This is where the untouchable factor of the nagging feeling comes in: I can’t reach this “something greater” because I can’t move away from my tiny city until college I’m excited for opportunities that are years away, and quite frankly, they’re opportunities I’m not ready for yet. Yet I want to be ready for the success they could bring.
But alas, therein lies the million dollar question: does success equal happiness?
At this point in my life, no. Of course, I’m happy when I succeed at something, but the biggest part of my happiness comes from the people around me and events that only my tiny city can bring me. I think restlessness is normal for a high-schooler, it is never good to be too complacent. However, there is something to be said for finding happiness where you are and once you do, making sure to show gratitude and recognize your happiness. Don’t let the state of restlessness get in the way of recognizing the great things you have in life now! <<< I need that lesson more than anyone right now 🙂
The second part of this post is about feeling out-of-control when it comes to certain areas of your life.
I’m used to having a pretty wide margin of freedom when it comes to getting things done. I don’t consider myself a procrastinator, but even if I don’t do things right away, they always get done with enough time to spare before the date they’re needed (whether it be schoolwork, blog posts, photo shoots, etc.). I’m finding that I’m having to readjust how I go about time management because my classes in school are the hardest they’ve ever been and the homework is more than it’s ever been. Also, I’m the most invested in Absolutely Olivia than I was before, which in turn means I’m putting more time and effort into Absolutely Olivia.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad about this in the slightest, but lately the new stresses have been making me feel out-of-control of my own life. Due dates, blog post days, how many days since I’ve gone without posting on Instagram, leaving DMs and emails unanswered has all been coming up and happening so quickly that I’m having to rush or shave a couple hours off of my sleep schedule to keep up. This out-of-control notion is the part of the screaming girl I mentioned earlier who is trying to fight her way towards an object but something beyond her control is holding her back.
There are many goals I want to reach in school, with Absolutely Olivia, and with life in-general, yet I feel out-of-control to do so. Why? I have no idea.
However, I think I know a solution or at least a way to help cope with this if you’re feeling a lack of control over your life too: find a routine that works for you.
Readjust your time management and figure out a routine you can stick by. For example, I always give myself down time right after school where I chill out for about 30 minutes. Then, I’ll do some homework and work on the blog. After eating dinner, I’ll study, work on the blog some more, and read. Obviously, I don’t stick by a similar schedule everyday; I procrastinate here-and-there or focus on other things that don’t have a dire need of being finished like other items do. I might feel out-of-control, but when I do stick to more of a routine, it helps me feel more in control. Try this and it might just work for you, too!
restlessness + out-of-control = feeling stuck
When both of the emotions I previously talked about combine, they form the blanket emotion of feeling stuck with where you are in life. I want to move forward and continue to succeed, but I’m not sure how to go about doing it, which means I’m stuck. Maybe this is all just a creative rut or a time of growth that I’m struggling in, but either way the incessant nagging feeling is no fun.
In conclusion, this post was basically me, realizing that my want for success and constant growth life-wise and even somewhat numbers-wise is causing me to feel restless, out-of-control, and stuck. Of course, these are all feelings that are important in creating positive change, but when they begin to take over your thoughts so that it’s impossible to start working towards change, the three feelings have negative effects. Which is what is happening to me. I don’t want to be complacent, but unintentionally my desperate desire to not be complacent is making me complacent (wow, I’m beginning to think that maybe none of this post makes sense :/).
I‘m excited for the day that i’m out of this weird rut and excited to give you all some tips on how to get yourself out of the rut when the day comes 🙂 In the mean time if you’re having feelings of frustration like me…
Find someone close to you that you can rant to! No use in bottling all the emotions up, and they could have some darn good advice. I always find that a weight has been lifted off my chest once I talk to someone else about the crazy stuff happening in my head. Sometimes, if you leave your thoughts lingering alone for too long, they can start to eat away at ya. And no one wants holes in their brain, so find someone you can trust and talk to. I promise that even if you think no one wants to listen to your problems, there’s someone out there who is willing to be understanding and supportive! If not, my Instagram DMs are wide open.
I hope this post was able to relate to some of you and let you see that you’re not alone in your mind battles!! I humbly apologize if it was hard to follow (I’ve re-read this post about 5 times to make sure I didn’t sound too incoherent), and thank you so so much for reading!! You all mean the world to me, and I’m forever grateful that I have a small corner of the internet that I can gush my feelings too.