Let me set the scene for you: It’s 8:30 on a summer Sunday night. A teen girl sits in bed as she vigorously types into the laptop propped up on a pillow over her legs. She’s wearing a tie-dye shirt that reads “I’m with granddaddy” (a funky albeit proud Goodwill find) and mis-matching pink marble patterned pajama shorts.
Spoiler alert: It’s me. Writing this post.
For some reason, I got a spur to write a seat-of-my-pants post about a few things that have been ALL OVER my mind lately. I honestly don’t think I can get more candid than this. So here ya go, my thoughts and the inside of my brain…
There are three orders of business:
- the travel bug
- stresses of a new school year
- boys (womp womp)
THE TRAVEL BUG
Right now, there’s a pile of halfway unpacked clothes sitting on my bedroom floor. Unpacking is the bane of my existence (well, actually Trump is, but that’s irrelevant, at least for this post), and I’m starting to think maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that hanging clothes in my closet is my least favorite chore.
Coming home after travelling has always been hard for me, especially in the past couple of years. I come home, and I’m snappy to the people around me, I’m tired, and I’m kinda angry I have to settle down again until the next adventure. There’s always this desire to be somewhere I’m not. To be somewhere greater than the tiny city in the Southern US that I live in. Somewhere that can give me all the opportunities I want right away or at least let me feel closer to said opportunities.
For instance, I visited Columbia University in New York City last Saturday (my top choice for college), and I can’t stand the fact I have three more years until I can apply. I want to be there now, I want the doors it’s going to open for me now, and I want the ability to be a foreign exchange student and go to new places near NYC. To be on my own and in charge of my own travelling. How fantastic that sounds! Except college probably doesn’t work that way… more on that in three years 🙂
Basically what I’m trying to get at about the travel bug is that: So much happiness and gratitude ALREADY resides in the tiny city I do live in, and I know that. Yet sometimes I have trouble seeing that and instead think I can find it in other places. My travel bug isn’t always a want to see new places, but a want to LIVE through new places and find a life I ALREADY have in new places. And that’s my travel bug for ya!
THE STRESS OF A NEW SCHOOL YEAR
Alrighty, continuing on to the next thing that’s been on my mind lately: The Stress of a New School Year (this could be a good book title if I ever write one). K so, I’m in high school and things can get crazy and dramatic and go downhill fast. At least, that’s what I’ve heard, but alas haven’t experienced myself. Last year, my first year in high school, was a walk in the park… ugh I’m jinxing myself! Anyways, it went smoothly and I built the greatest group of friends a girl could find and then some. We laughed, we cried, and we crammed for our AP tests together, and I never felt more on top of the world than I did throughout freshie year of high school. You could even go as far as to say I was “thriving.”
So naturally, now I’m scared, worried, stressed, and all the other possible adjectives that describe how I’m feeling.
A question I’m dying to ask all my friends is, “Do you think it’ll be the same?” Such a loaded question, and I’m sure they would all look at me like “Olivia, that makes no sense. What does that even mean?” If you flip the question around, it asks: Do you think things will change? Of course, I know things will change, it’s a new school year, change is inevitable. It’s gonna happen, duh. But I what I want from my friends in their answer to my oh-so-vague question is reassurance. Reassurance that the friend group won’t change, we’ll all go back to the way things were the last week of freshman year, and all the experiences will be just as spectacular and life-giving as before. We’ll still party on the homecoming float, be weird at lunch, bond over awful teachers and grades, and sing in the bathroom at the top of our lungs when we’re supposed to be walking laps in PE.
It’s scary, not knowing what the next few months hold. More and more lately I’ve thought about how little you actually control of the faraway future, it’s a lil unsettling. BUT, maybe that’s the beauty of it. Maybe sophomore year will have even greater adventures than last year, and maybe I gain friends I never knew I could have. And even if high school does get a bit more crazy and dramatic and starts to slope downhill, that just means I have good stories and advice to tell you all later on 😉
I’m writing this post over two days (mainly cuz I sat at my computer writing the last parts of this post for 2 hours in bed), so now it’s the next day. Still rocking a t-shirt (a Harvard one), but with jean shorts and I’m blasting Lorde. Who else can get me in the mood to write?? Also, after I decided to go to bed I texted with a friend for a real long time about The Stresses of a New School Year, and guess what?! I’m not alone! She had them too, which just goes to show how everyone has those thoughts. Okok, onto the rest of this messy post:
Ugh boyzz, am I right? or really any specific person you’re crushin’ on, girl, boy, or otherwise, always happens to get on your mind for awhile every now and then. Right now it’s on my mind, and I feel oh so melodramatic about it. Which is kinda curious, considering I’m that girl who thinks marriage is a weird, patriarchal concept, but here I am wondering:
Do I like him* or do I like the idea of him? It’s such a strange, yet important distinction to make. You have to figure out if you like the idea of going on dates with him, calling him your boyfriend AND his personality/quirks as well. Because when you come to find out it was only the idea of being with him you liked (e.g. the dates and calling him boyfriend part), you realize you truly never liked him at all.
*disclaimer: him can be replaced with whateverrr pronoun you want, it’s just the one that fits my situation!
Also, there’s always the daunting question of does he like me? You hate thinking about it, you love thinking about it, whatever it is it you feel, the question can easily be the only thing you think about for a whole day. Either way, you and I are worth more than whether or not our crush likes us back and should never change ourselves for them because we are BOMB already… but it’d still be nice to know they liked us back, ya feel 😉
What’s great though, is to have friends you can rant to about the subjects I’ve mentioned in this post and more, so go to them! No use in bottling all the emotions up, and they could have some darn good advice. I always find that a weight has been lifted off my chest once I talk to someone else about the crazy stuff happening in my head. Sometimes, if you leave your thoughts lingering alone for too long, they can start to eat away at ya. And no one wants holes in their brain, so find someone you can trust and talk to. I promise that even if you think no one wants to listen to your problems, there’s someone out there who is willing to be understanding and supportive! If not, my Instagram DMs are wide open.
We all deal with stressful thoughts and fears of the future, but YOU CAN DO IT! I know you can, and chances are, deep down you know you can do it too. So go out and do what ya gotta do. If it’s screaming your thoughts to the world like I am in this blog post or texting a friend for hours like I did, do it! Together, we can work it all out.